Wondering this morning about how my intellect engages particular topics - why it grabs them and seeks to defend or condem. Why am I concerned about it? I don't think I want to control others. It's more like I am taking offense (is my defense a clue to this?) and then feeling the need to educate or change their thinking - all good and well, but why the emotions?

As I'm typing this, I am worrying about what a reader might think of me - that they may get the wrong impression or disapprove. That is the heart of the matter. I am able to dismiss their disapproval, but only if I define them away to ignorance. Are they ignorant because I am not? It probably isn't that easy - it never is. I still sit in the shadow of my feelings of inadequacy.

Later, I think about my emptiness. Then, I remember to pull my awareness behind my ears, with the associated feeling in my mid-section and the weight of my intellect's doings is gone for a little while. Why am I not that way all the time? It seems so trivial - how is it that something so profound is can be so difficult to remember. It isn't a regular in my bag of tricks, yet. I am not finished with my struggle - that is why.